


I Want to Live, Not Merely Survive

by lululawrence



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Barebacking, Bottom Louis, Canon Compliant, Coming Out, M/M, basically it is headcanon, emotional smut, if that makes sense, it kinda mixes bts with fan reactions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-04
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-21 09:39:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,721
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4824074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lululawrence/pseuds/lululawrence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry had finally convinced Louis to go up to bed, but Louis merely tossed and turned for hours. In his sleep, Harry eventually curled himself up behind Louis, resting his hand on his stomach. Louis allowed himself to lean back into Harry's chest and worked to make his breaths match Harry's deep ones.</p><p>Feeling Harry so close behind him made Louis' mind finally drift elsewhere. Rather than the now, he was thinking about their future.  Their shared future.  The one that was, as of tomorrow, no longer a dream but an honest to God reality.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Want to Live, Not Merely Survive

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fightingforlarry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fightingforlarry/gifts).



> thank you for the amazing prompts, fightingforlarry! i thought with all the craziness going on in the fandom right now, we could use a bit of a happy canon compliant fic, so here's my version of one for you. i hope you enjoy it and it's what you were wishing for!
> 
> also a MASSIVE thanks to [Nina](http://larry-newbie.tumblr.com) for her assistance with making the tumblr posts look amazing, to [Jacky](http://petalhaz.tumblr.com) for her incredible instagram manip, as well as to [Shar](http://tommosgun.tumblr.com), [Kati](http://bulletproofhalo.tumblr.com), [Ashlee](http://unintentionalarry.tumblr.com/), and [Cris](http://srslycris.tumblr.com/) for giving me their super real reactions to my fake happenings within the story and allowing me to use them and their blogs for this project.
> 
> this also wouldn't be what it is without my lovely betas and brit pickers, [roni](http://reminiscingintherain.tumblr.com), [jeni](http://ilove1dalmation.tumblr.com), [brodie](http://littlescumbags.tumblr.com), [tin](http://silentlarryshipper.tumblr.com), and [chelsie](http://stylinsoncity.tumblr.com). you are the bestest!!!
> 
> with that being said, all mistakes are of course my own. the title comes from the song ["I've Gotta Be Me"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbXQ-Dh1EyA) by the incredible Sammy Davis Jr. I hope you enjoy!

Louis sat nervously biting on his thumb as he tried to distract himself with a rerun of the latest Champions League match for Manchester United.  His leg jiggled beneath him unconsciously as he stared at the telly without seeing.  Harry quickly responded to the text that came in before moving to sit down beside him.

He reached for Louis’ ankle that was peeking out from beneath his restless thigh and stroked it soothingly.  It spoke to how common this had become for them that even in his distracted state Louis didn’t jump at all, but rather let out a bit of a sigh and allowed his hand to drop to his lap.

“Well?” he questioned before flicking his eyes to the match to see why cheers had erupted.

Harry cleared his throat.  “That was Britta.  She said it’s live.”

Louis’ nervous eyes flicked to Harry’s.  He bit his lip and curled into Harry’s side, wiggling around until he was exactly how he wanted to be, with Harry’s arm wrapped around him as he listened to Harry’s heartbeat.

“We’re finally free,” Harry whispered.

Louis shrugged.  “Almost.”

“Almost,” Harry agreed.  


 

 

> People Exclusive
> 
> **One Direction’s Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson in Long-Term Relationship!**
> 
> Following years of speculation and denials, a source close to One Direction has come forward giving details regarding the truth behind the relationship between Louis and Harry.
> 
> The two heartthrobs have had a name you’ve probably heard before, Larry Stylinson, which is a combination of their given names assigned by so called Larry Shippers to describe their relationship ever since their X Factor days.  Due to several denials on Twitter as well as what appeared to be a deteriorating relationship in the public eye, it seemed Larry was not meant to last.
> 
> People’s source informs us otherwise.  “Harry and Louis are in a dedicated relationship and have been for over four years now,” the mutual friend stated.  “They are tired of hiding and have decided the time is right to finally be true to themselves and the world.”
> 
> Unable to give any further details at this time, People reached out to representatives for both Mr Styles and Mr Tomlinson and are still awaiting a response.
> 
> In the meantime, there is still much speculation about the future of One Direction following the release of their next album, Made in the A.M., coming in only three weeks.  In August it was announced that the band would be taking an indefinite break in 2016, but whether they are to return from said break is still in question.
> 
> Band member Niall Horan tweeted, “Ok so Lots of rumours going round. We are not splitting up, but we will be taking a well earned break at some point next year”.  Considering it was only back in March that Zayn Malik left the band causing doubts regarding their future to fly followed by the baby rumors involving Louis Tomlinson, this is a tough pill to swallow. 
> 
> Will One Direction continue to beat the odds and return from their break?  Or will they continue as so many other boy bands before them and never create new music together again?  Let us know your thoughts in the poll below!

 

 

 

 

 

Harry had finally convinced Louis to go up to bed, but Louis merely tossed and turned for hours. In his sleep, Harry eventually curled himself up behind Louis, resting his hand on his stomach. Louis allowed himself to lean back into Harry's chest and worked to make his breaths match Harry's deep ones.

It did help him relax a bit, but it was 4 am and Louis still hadn't been able to even doze. All he wanted to do was check the comments section of the article and Twitter mentions and search to see how many more articles had been written since the supposed exclusive, but deep down he understood how much of a bad idea that really was.

After quick texts to their mums, Harry had forced him to turn off his phone, only leaving Harry's on in do not disturb mode with exceptions only for their family, the boys, and the PR rep who would be contacting them when it was time for the next step.

Feeling Harry so close behind him made Louis' mind finally drift elsewhere though. Rather than the now, he was thinking about their future.  Their shared future.  The one that was, as of tomorrow, no longer a dream but an honest to God reality.

They hadn’t really been hiding their relationship for the past 6 months now, maybe longer...not when they didn’t have to.  But when it came to being on stage together or doing interviews or even meet and greets, they still had to be careful.  That was all about to change.

Louis was nervous, but mostly about himself.  He’d had to change everything about his persona while he was in the public eye the past three and a half years, and now he didn’t anymore.  But how hard would it be to break those habits?  How long would it take him to finally realize that he didn’t have to pull away or act nonchalant when he and Harry accidentally touched or bumped into each other or any other ridiculous thing they had to monitor in the past?

Fuck...Louis wasn’t even sure he could perform as himself anymore.  He’d been playing the role of the dedicated boyfriend and then the straight womanizing party boy for so long that he wasn’t sure he would be able to relax himself on stage anymore.  He so missed his younger self sometimes.  He missed his carefree way of enjoying everything about the experiences they were blessed with, but it hadn’t been like that for so long.

Was it about to be again?

Louis’ mind was pretty much blown by that thought.  Would he actually begin to enjoy his life and his job with the new freedoms he and Harry, and all of the lads really, were going to be given over the next few months?  

Louis was jarred from his thoughts when Harry unconsciously pulled him closer with a soft grunt.  Louis loved that even while sleeping Harry couldn’t seem to be close enough to him.  He began to slowly move his bum in a swivel motion, trying to see how much of a reaction he could get out of Harry before he woke up.  It might be only half four in the morning, but waking Harry up with his ass was one of Louis’ favorite things to do.  Middle of the night shags had also been a rarity for them lately and if Louis didn’t have a chance of sleeping tonight, he might as well have some fun.  His emotions were running so high at this point, he knew there was no better way of shutting them down and making his brain stop running a million miles a minute than getting well fucked.

Louis continued to move his hips in varying motions so he was basically massaging Harry's length. Harry was slowly getting harder and Louis knew the moment he began to wake up because his hand slowly wandered along Louis’ midsection.

Louis didn't fight it. Rather, he leaned his head back to nuzzle his face into Harry's neck, intertwined his fingers with Harry's, and pushed his arse back onto Harry's cock with even more force. Harry's breath hitched with the added friction and his hand slowly slid down so his fingers could explore beneath the elastic of Louis' boxers.  

Harry apparently didn't feel like teasing and immediately gripped Louis' dick and began to stroke him to hardness. The rough sensation of Harry's dry hand spreading his already leaking precome over his length caused his entire body to tremble and Louis had to bite down on his Iip. The pain from his own teeth was the only thing keeping Louis tied to reality right now.

He was feeling so overwhelmed with love and fear and excitement and anxiety that his thoughts definitely hadn't slowed down. If anything they had sped up. The way Harry was working his body like he knew every single touch that would drive Louis mad was almost more than he could handle. Yet the worry, fear, excitement, and relief continued to thrum through him and his mind was becoming even more of a jumbled mess.

Despite Louis' whimpers and his body reacting to Harry's ministrations, Harry could tell something was wrong. He always could with Louis. It was both a blessing and a curse.

"Lou, you okay?" he gently asked as he slowed his pumping. "You wanna stop?"

Louis shook his head and fought back the tears. "No," he choked out. "I want you inside me."

Louis felt a quick nip to his shoulder before Harry asked, his voice even deeper than ever, "How do you want it?"

Louis hesitated. The more he thought about it the more his emotions seemed to overrun him and he realized he needed to have Harry make the decision. He was too unsure of everything except for the solid form behind him at the moment to make any decisions, even how he wanted Harry to fuck him.

Harry continued to kiss, lick, and nip all along his shoulder as he resumed working Louis' dick when Louis finally gave a shrug.

"Like this then," Harry decided, before moving around to position some pillows and grab the lube.

Louis made quick work of removing his pants and when Harry pulled himself flush behind him, it was his bare cock against Louis' arse that caused him to shiver. Harry made sure the pillow was positioned well between Louis' legs before he grabbed Louis right at the meaty part of his bum and gave him a quick massage.  He quickly let go, leaving Louis already almost gasping from the overwhelming sensation of Harry’s hands on him combined with the growing tension of the last twelve hours.  

Before Louis could steady his breaths, Harry began to rub a cool finger between his cheeks, dragging it all the way forward to tease his balls a bit before bringing it back to his ring of muscle where Louis was so desperate for his attention.  As soon as Harry inserted the first finger, Louis turned himself over completely to the pleasure that made every nerve ending ignite.  Harry slowly, lovingly, and efficiently opened Louis up until he could taste blood from how hard he was biting his lip.  Louis pulled one of their numerous pillows to his chest to squeeze tight and breathe into while his body shook from the pleasure of each thrust of Harry’s hand.  

Harry withdrew the hand that had previously been petting Louis’ hair (he hadn’t even noticed when that started, he was so overwhelmed), and leaned in closer.

“Think you’re ready?”

He continued to scissor and pump his three fingers inside of Louis, hitting his prostate every few thrusts.  Louis could only nod, words not coming to him at the moment.  

The bed shifted as Harry moved to finish his preparations and Louis moved his legs a bit to push the pillow out from between them.  He loved this position because gravity helped keep him even tighter around Harry’s fingers and allowed him to feel each movement even more.

Another shift of the bed had Harry sliding his own arm beneath Louis’ neck to wrap around the pillow and positioning the head of his dick so it began to put slight pressure on Louis right where he wanted it most.

Louis began to press his ass back, tired of waiting, and Harry chuckled a little before slowly pressing in.  He paused a few times to allow Louis to adjust since it had been a little while since he had last bottomed. Finally, Louis felt completely full as Harry bottomed out.

They paused there, both of them breathing heavily, and Harry kept himself wrapped tightly around Louis.  He placed his right arm around Louis’ belly, and as Louis was surrounded and filled by the one person he loved and trusted the most in the entire world, he finally began to relax.  He could feel the love emanating off of Harry in the light strokes he made on Louis’ belly, in how he nuzzled his nose into his favorite spot right behind Louis’ ear, as he intertwined their fingers and helped hug the pillow even tighter to Louis’ front, even in the way he skimmed his toes down Louis’ calves before stroking his shin with the pad of his foot.  All of these familiar yet exhilarating ways that Harry could connect them to one another and for the millionth time show how much he loved Louis.  Always had loved Louis.  Always would love Louis.

And then Harry began to move his hips.

Louis couldn’t help the whine that came out as arousal began to bloom from the very spot where they were so intimately joined.  Harry withdrew so slowly that Louis felt like time had paused and the moment would never end, but then he began to move back inside at the same pace and Louis didn’t know whether he wanted to die in that ecstasy or take over the pacing to get more, more, more.

Ultimately, Harry had him perfectly relaxed and yet completely in another world of pleasure.  Louis began to press his hips back gently when Harry would thrust forward, just for a change of angle and suddenly it was like his vision had gone totally white.

“Yeah, God, yes…” Louis mumbled into the pillow as he squeezed it and Harry’s fingers even tighter.  Harry was now grunting as he tried to keep the pace slow and languid, but even he was losing his battle to the incredible building tension between them.  

Louis huffed his exhales almost in two beats as their bodies moved together in sync until Harry surprised him by grabbing onto his dick that had previously been bouncing, unattended, on Louis’ thighs and belly.  His tight grip caused Louis to give a muffled outcry and his movements shuddered due to the high Harry created simply by touching and loving him.

As Harry’s attention to Louis’ cock alternated with his balls and his thrusts became even more forceful and aimed to perfectly hit Louis’ prostate almost every time, Louis held no chance of holding on much longer.

“Almost...Hazza...shit…” Louis panted out and Harry’s grunts grew even louder.  With a light flight of Harry’s finger right to where Louis’ muscle was stretched taut to allow Harry entrance, Louis gave an involuntary shout and his body began to shake.  He felt his release drip off of Harry’s hand and onto his hip as his legs quivered and Harry’s own thrusts became more erratic.

With a final groan that stretched longer than his previous grunts, Harry bit down onto Louis’ shoulder before he could do nothing more than just breathe on the spot as he had his own climax.

Louis just laid in Harry’s arms, recovering his breath and control of his body again.  As his heart rate slowed, his thoughts came back right where they had left off and with his emotions heightened as they were, Louis could no longer hold back his sobs.

“God, Lou, are you okay?”  Harry slowly pulled out and Louis winced, never liking the feeling that came right after, missing the fullness, but also being too sensitive to do anything about it.

Louis shrugged before flipping over and snuggling into Harry’s arms.  He was crying too hard to do anything more than just focus on his breathing and listen to Harry’s heartbeat slow down.

After Louis had finally cried all the tears he had been building through the previous five years, he lay exhausted with his head still cradled on Harry’s chest.  Harry’s long, beautiful fingers continued to brush through Louis’ now unruly hair as he hummed the chorus to a song he’d been working on with Jason Mraz.  

Wiping his eyes, Louis finally mumbled a quiet, “I love you so much,” into the small bird on Harry’s collarbone.

Giving a gentle kiss to the top of Louis’ head, Harry just whispered, “Always,” and Louis finally drifted off to sleep.

Still unsure what time it was when he’d dozed off, Louis finally woke just past noon.  He stretched and turned his head to find Harry was surprisingly still in bed with him.  Harry was biting his lip and looking at Louis with soft eyes.

“Hello, my Love,” he greeted before leaning over to kiss Louis’ temple.  “It’s about time to confirm what was written.  I was trying to choose a photo.  What about this one?”

Louis grabbed his glasses off the nightstand before taking Harry’s phone to see the photo he was referring to.  It wasn’t the most recent photo, but Louis still loved it and immediately agreed.

“Perfect, darling,” he said, before getting up to go to the bathroom and rinse off the mess they had created the night before.  As Louis spied the lovebite Harry had left on his shoulder, Louis smirked.  Well, he’d wash off as much as he could.

 

 

"Ni? Have you seen Harry?" Louis asked nervously as he entered the other dressing room from next door.

"Yeah, he was here about 20 minutes ago, why? Isn't he getting set with his mic pack?"

Louis messed with his fringe and held himself back from doing more and ruining all the work Lottie had put into his hair earlier before shaking his head. And then it clicked.

"Fuck," he murmured calling a quick, "Thanks!" as he rushed out and took an immediate right to the loos. He tried the handle but found that despite there being stalls inside, the main door had also been locked.

Louis sighed and leaned his head against the door. He had known subconsciously that Harry had been entirely too calm the last week since their official coming out, but eventually it had to catch up to him. Apparently that time was right before their first interview to publicly discuss their experience. They had purposefully chosen Ellen knowing she would be sensitive while also doing it justice.

"Hazza, you in there?" he called as he knocked at the door. Louis listened, but the door must have been thicker than he thought because he couldn't hear anything from inside. He knocked a bit harder and spoke louder than before. "Haz, love, please let me in. Don't leave me out here, yeah?"

Harry opened the door a few seconds later and collapsed into Louis' arms as soon as he had pushed through the doorway.

"Lou's gonna kill me for messing up my makeup," he sniffled.

Louis couldn't help the giggle that came out as he rubbed his hands up and down Harry's back. "Is that really your biggest worry, love? Your makeup?"

Harry pulled back, gave a shrug, and dabbed at his face.

"I dunno. Like, I just think..." Louis allowed him to ramble a bit and continued to rub his arms soothingly as he let him figure out his thoughts patiently. "Well, this is quite big, you know? Like, I get to walk out and hold your hand and let everyone see and I'm just so happy I can't stop crying. I mean, this is like, it's..." Harry looked exasperated as he tried to put his thoughts and feelings into words. "HOW am I supposed to be interviewed when I can't even talk to you about it?!"

Louis kissed his cheeks softly and took his hand in his.

"I know, babe. It is beautiful and scary and important and big and exciting. But we are going to have to figure all that out later, unfortunately. You'll have to pull your words together quickly, I'm afraid, because I actually came to find you. We might already be late to getting on with our section of the recording." Louis continued to pet Harry's hair soothingly as he studied his face, which seemed to be calming under his attention. "The sound guys sent me to find you so we could get your mic hooked up."

Harry looked a bit sheepish, but Louis gave him another quick kiss.

"I'll get the mic sorted if you don't mind telling Lou I'll need a touch up?" Harry gave his signature so-big-it-is-almost-scary smile as they exited the WC.

Louis rolled his eyes and smacked Harry's bum. "Sure, leave me to piss Lou off while you charm Jenny and Scott so they aren't mad you're late. I see how it is."

Harry just winked before heading off to where they stood before heading on set. Louis quickly rounded up Lou who figured this would happen and was prepared accordingly. She got Harry back to his perfectly made up state just as they heard their names and were rushed off to go greet Ellen.

Harry's grip on Louis' right hand was nearing painful, but he didn't want him to let go for anything, so he smiled through it and waved to the audience before they danced over to Ellen and finally dropped each other's hands to give her hugs. Louis let Harry get one first since he had always been closer to Ellen than Louis had, but when it was his own turn she gripped him tighter than she ever had before and whispered something in his ear he barely heard over the cheers of the audience.

"I'm so proud of you."

Louis could only nod before pulling back and giving what was probably a wobbly smile and sitting beside Harry on the sofa.

They started with the usual chatter Ellen does every time they are on, talking about all of the previous times they had been on and how this was the first time they’d come without Zayn, before rolling everything around to how Liam and Niall were still backstage for a reason.

"Yeah, well they are very supportive of us, but didn't want anyone getting ideas that they were a part of the relationship," Louis teased.

Ellen kinda smirked and said, "Ah, yes, well this is a family show."

The audience laughed causing Harry to chuckle himself before pointing to the audience.

"We've seen things," he teased with a silly waggle of his eyebrows. Louis honestly didn't know what he had done to deserve this beautiful, ridiculous man. He bit his lip and tried to contain his fond before Ellen spoke again.

"I'm sure you have. You can only imagine some of the things your fans sent me once they learned about the interview!" Louis winced a bit as Harry laughed even harder. "I had my interns Sarah and Mark look through and pick out some of their favorites that we were tagged in on Twitter actually, so let's put them up for everyone to see!"

"Oh, God," Louis muttered. He loved their fans, they had always been so wonderful and supportive, but sometimes they tagged Louis and the others in things he would have rather not seen honestly. Not to say the art wasn't well done, but it was bound to be awkward looking at erotic depictions of yourself, you know?

Louis didn't even realize he was fidgeting until he felt Harry's hands still his own where he had been playing with the hem of his shirt, a nervous habit he had picked up over the past few years. Louis glanced over at Harry who was watching the screen and smiling at whatever Ellen was saying.

Louis tried to focus and found himself laughing when he saw an adorable drawing of Louis brushing Harry's hair.

"Okay now tell the truth, you acted this out just last night, didn't you?" Ellen teased.

"This morning actually," Harry corrected. "I tried to convince him for braids but he wouldn't have it."

Ellen raised her eyebrows. "Louis, can you braid? Because there's honestly a reason I keep my hair this short. It's so I don't have to do anything with it. I leave the fancy styling to Portia."

Louis laughed. "I'm quite good at French plaits, or erm, French braids, because I used to help with my sisters' hair when we were growing up. It comes in handy with Harry keeping his hair long these days, though he doesn't let me style it often. He takes pride in his curls."

Harry just gave a soft smile and a shrug. Ellen turned her attention back to the fan art she was sharing, and honestly the fans amazed Louis like they always did. Such time, dedication, talent, and love were put into these amazing pieces of artwork. Louis was constantly awed by the love of their fans.

Once the screen went back to the default background photo, they turned back in their seats so they were facing each other and the audience comfortably again.

"Not to make this unnecessarily serious after that, but I have to say it. It must feel incredible knowing that you can be honest about who you are," Ellen commented.

The crowd cheered even louder and Louis couldn't help the somewhat watery smile that spread over his face. He peeked at Harry and found his eyes tearing up again too. Louis reminded himself he was allowed to reach out and touch now, so he gently grasped Harry's knee and squeezed.

Harry coughed a soft sob, wiped his eyes again, and smiled. "Thank you. We've been looking forward to this for a long time," he replied thickly.

Ellen was quiet and the crowd quickly toned down as well, picking up on the somberness that had come over the room. Louis could tell she was trying to compose herself as well before speaking again.

"I was just hoping," she paused to clear her throat before continuing. "I was hoping you could talk a little bit about the process you had to go through to be able to get to this point. When you decided it might be time. Your own experience in the closet. Just something small you don't mind sharing with us so everyone can understand how big of a decision this was not only for someone in your position to come out, but anyone really. Like were either of you out before you went on the X Factor over in the UK and got your careers started?"

Louis fielded the first few questions to allow Harry to gain control of his emotions again and they discussed a few of the hurdles they themselves had to overcome to get to this point.

"But I don't want anyone to think that we see ourselves as having anything larger to overcome than anyone else who is closeted in any way in their lives," Harry said, turning to the audience. "Making the decision to come out to anyone in your life can be terrifying and overwhelming, but there are communities and helplines to be there for you and help you in whatever way you need for support.

"Louis and I both are so lucky to have incredibly supportive family and friends to stand behind us, but if you don't have that it doesn't mean you can't."

Ellen took over at that point. "We actually have some information regarding websites and helplines listed on my website to help you find the support you or your loved ones may need. We will be back after this break to chat a little more with Harry, Louis, and the other members of the incredibly good looking, and somewhat decent singers, One Direction, about their fifth album, Made in the A.M.!"

The audience applauded while the cameras panned and once the signal was made that the filming had cut for the moment Louis slumped into Harry's side.

Harry's breaths were still a bit uneven as he worked through his own emotions regarding the fact they were finally able to be true to themselves in a way they hadn't been able to publicly for five years.

Louis tried to keep from nuzzling into Harry's shoulder since they still had the audience even if they weren't recording at the moment. Ellen was talking with an assistant as crew members got things set up for the next section, but Louis hardly noticed because he was so focused on the man beside him.

"Baby, it's okay. We're finally free," Louis whispered.

 

Harry just stared into Louis' eyes and began to smile through the tears. "Yeah," he sighed, almost in disbelief. "Free."

 

 

 

 

  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed it. come visit me on [tumblr](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com) please click [here](http://lululawrence.tumblr.com/post/133296905383/i-want-to-live-not-merely-survive-4721-words-by) for the rebloggable post.


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